Is there a difference between having your ‘buttons pressed’ as a teacher/school leader to when you have your parent hat on? In short, I think there is. Why? Why is there a difference in which buttons are pressed – the depth of the press, the speed at which they are pressed and even the variation in the buttons that get pressed in school (away) and as a parent (home). So why is there this difference that takes us from being successful in our comfort zone to ‘world’s worst parent’ in seconds. The difference – emotional connections to both the ‘button presser’ and the context in which your buttons are pressed.
How many times as a teacher or school leader do parents say to you - “How do you do it with a class of 30/a school of hundreds when just one or two at home drives me crazy?”
The answer is simple. The difference in relationships makes the managing of one’s emotions different. In school we are working, doing our jobs, managing children in line with school expectations, systems, backed up by the school’s culture, the behaviour policy, rewards, sanctions etc. At home we are just parents. The same worldwide – predominantly stressed, tired, over run with life admin and with a set of buttons that can be pressed with a tiny huff, a roll of the eyes or simply the way in which the little one turns their head in disgust at you and your perfectly fair and polite response or request to them.
In a school setting I know I have the skills and ability to see things before they happen. I can pre-empt my buttons being potentially pressed, I know exactly what those buttons are in a school setting and for 90% of the time I can respond calmly, utilising the training I have had over the years and the reading I have done. I can apply these skills and my knowledge to get the outcome required for the young person and so that situations are resolved positively. For the other 10 % of situations, I knew when to allow others to support because my emotions were not where they needed to be to manage the situation effectively. As a Headteacher I realised that switching from conversations on budget deficits, the need to employ an additional staff member or even taking a call from an irate neighbour about the fence line/overhanging trees and the millions of protection orders on them, did not lend itself to supporting high profile children in high stakes situations in the right way. Time to leave to others.
Throughout my career I have developed my skills in managing children effectively, I have reflected, adjusted, given more consideration to the way in which I personally manged children needs and expected others to do so. Was I a constant winner in this area? Absolutely not. Did I reflect and adjust nearly on a daily basis? Absolutely. This is essential to making things work for young people and to get the best for all. It does not mean children getting away with things, it means adapting and knowing the individuals and understanding them.
Now back at home, filled with this knowledge, these pearls of wisdom so surely, am I on to be parent of the year? No chance. Should I apply the strategies that are so effective in school – yes. Do I – sadly not and instead I bark, I snap, and I have zero ability to tactically ignore or walk away at times. When I do remind myself to utilise my school-based skill set and apply it in a ‘home style’ it delivers the goods …... surprise, surprise.
When it doesn’t go well it is no doubt often my fault for basically ignoring all of the great strategies we use in successful schools. Humour, distraction, thinking space, time to breathe, listening, not shouting and on the list goes, all out of the window and instead replaced with snappy shouts, immediate sanctions, and other useless ways. But, like all parents and school staff, I am human and get it wrong in both settings many times and so I do continue to read and learn and reflect in the hope that the next time a situation arises, be it at home or in a school I can approach it and at least utilise 90% of the good and effective stuff and hopefully avoid the pitfalls of not being in control of my emotions when really needed.
In Paul Dix’s lates book – ‘When the Parents change, Everything Changes’ he shares the following tips and strategies to help keep those emotions in check.
1. Before intervening, stop and read the situation first.
2. Don’t judge the situation immediately. Don’t rush to conclusions. Find out the facts and take them on board.
3. Postpone decision making until the right time and don’t fire out instant sanctions/consequences and statements that then need retracting upon reflection.
4. See difficult moments with young people as a chance to put your learning and skills into practice.
5. Reward your own successes. When you get it right – congratulate yourself.
6. Know when to walk away from a situation and maybe at times you may need to run away!
7. Drop the shouting/barking and speak calmly with emotions in check.
8. Finally, no one can deal with challenge of any nature if we are tired/hungry or both. Get rest, eat well, and be fuelled for the challenges both school life and home life provide.
Read, reflect and implement when needed. Simple. Ha! if only it was.
James – Seaside Learning
コメント